I don’t like that comments can’t be made unless I ask a question at the end of everything. I also don’t like that there are so many secrets on this blog. I’m moving over to here:
Jesus said to him, ’Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip?’ —John 14:9
Gah. Stab to the heart.
This statement is so true for me, and one that I’ve been hanging on for a few days now. How is it that I became a believer at 12 (that’s 11 years ago!) and got this far and still can’t tell you much about the real, deep, true, wonderful character of God?!
I am reminded of His grace daily, and I know of His love to an extent, but that’s not even the half of it. I’ve been talking to some girls recently who have really learned and understand stuff. Like not their own stuff, but I talk to them about scripture and they talk about how God has led them to the place they are because of this one scripture and 47 others and what they all mean to them and what context they are in, and I begin to feel incredibly inadequate as a Christian, because I don’t know the half of it.
Gah. Stab in the heart.
Exactly 5 years ago today I mailed in an application to work on summer staff at Look Up Lodge. I knew before I even left before the interview by the things that were being said that I definitely did not have the job. I was so upset. I cried when I got the official email saying that they had chosen 24 godly men and women and that I would not be joining them that summer.
I started working there this past summer doing other things (kitchen, hosting, running free time) and fell in love with the heart of the place. I fell in love with the people and the teaching and the lake and the houses and the cabins and the work. Gosh. I fell in love with that work.
Fast forward to now where I am told and I feel like I am actually part of the family there. They invite me places, they tell me secrets. They play games with me and laugh with me and throw me their babies when they have to get up to do something. I know that no matter what day and time it is I have somewhere to go there.
The dilemma is that I really really really feel like God wants me to apply for summer staff again. I’m not sure if this is his way of making me get rid of this pride that I’ve had in my heart for so long and so He’s telling me to apply knowing that I won’t get the job. I don’t know if God has an amazing summer in store for me and He is ready for me to finally experience the dread and and the joy that is being a LUL summer staffer. I just know that as I hash these things out in my mind I’m nervous…and I’m printing the application.
If I applied and didn’t get the job, I don’t think I’d be allowed to keep my job there at all. If I applied and didn’t get the job, odds are I wouldn’t be part of the family anymore (as 3 of the interviewers are the men and women who I hang out with on a regular basis).
This is an awful decision to make. The decision to do what I really think God is asking me to do. I’m being selfish and I’m completely aware of that. I can’t put this pride aside on my own. I for the first time, maybe ever, am knowing that God HAS to help me if He wants His will done.
Recently love has been one of those things I just can’t get away from. I’m not talking about the mushy, marry me, kiss me, hug me love. I’m talking about LOVE. I want to love well.
I’ve never really cared how I loved, or even know what it meant to really, truly love until recently. The youth intern talks about love to the kids (and me.) on a weekly basis. I read blogs about love. I think about love. I see people love. I see people love unlike any love I’ve EVER, ever seen.
It’s starting to sink in. It’s starting to grab hold of this weak heart and take over. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand seeing my life go by day by day and not be filled-absolutely overflowing-with love.
What does that mean though?
Jamal and I were out a couple of weeks ago right before Christmas and we were driving back into Look Up and were calling someone to borrow keys to the office from. The people we called were having another couple over from LUL, and we thought they’d suggest to see if someone else had keys. Instead Mandy offered for the two of us to come up to their house (my favorite house at LUL because it’s gorgeous!) and grab some from the guy who did have keys. We pulled into the driveway and before we were even up the stairs everyone was already up ready to serve us. They gave us the most delicious dinner (which was great because we were both too poor to actually eat that night), and included us in the conversation. They asked us questions and acted like either they had been best friends with us for the past 10 years or we were their favorite people and they had never been so excited to have anyone over. I”m sure neither of those two things was the case, but they certainly acted like it. 4 hours later, we walked out of the house and downstairs to get our checks out of the office.
One of my recent blogs talks about the abosolute perfect night. Nights like that are love to me.
I think being in a place constantly where people are bred to LOVE is starting to rub off on me. What can I do to love? I don’t have money to just give people or to buy people things, so what do I have to offer? That’s the hardest part for me. I’ve never been great at any one thing. I’ve never had anything specific to offer people. What is my thing? What can I do? How can i LOVE?
Three families came down to James Island outside of Charleston for the Holiday Festival of Lights for New Years this weekend. We left on Wednesday and will be back sometime Sunday. I’ve been excited about this trip for so long (since we made reservations in May, actually) because as usual, getting together with both parts of the Harris Family and other friends is always absolutely amazing—at least for me. Every night we make a fire in the firepit outside of one of the campers and every single person sits around the fire and we talk and tell jokes and make fun of one another and laugh and sing and make s’mores and laugh some more and tell funny stories and have good, really good conversations, and then we laugh some more. For 5 days straight I forget that I live in Travelers Rest or that I go to USC or that I’m going to be a nurse one day. For 5 days straight the world is good. Noone argues and everyone loves and laughs. :) This is a good trip. It’s over soon. Sad day.
Tonite I was at the Keigley’s for Survivor night. I think their crowd is usually about 8 people, but for some reason, over the past couple of weeks everyone has just wanted to be together. Anyway ALL of the year round admin staff from Look Up were there (so there were about 25). There were kids everywhere and pregnant women, and some college kids and a couple of high schoolers, and for about 3 hours, I completely forgot that these people were not my biological family. I forgot that I had only known these people for 7 months. I sat cuddled with kicks on the couch while the man of my dreams sat at my feet and leaned against me, and for those 2 hours it felt like we had been married for years, and that this was just a fun relaxing night with our favorite families. It didn’t help that I walked in the door with his coat on because he insisted he’d rather be cold than for me to be cold. It also didn’t help that he was wearing a band on his left hand that very much resembles a wedding band, and of course, my thoughts naturally gravitate towards that. My favorite moment of the entire night though was between dinner and Survivor, there were about 6 different conversations going on all over the room, while 5 kids went to every single person for a good night hug, and laughter filled the room, and the boys were acting like brothers, and the girls were being silly and talking about boys, and the pregnant women were rubbing their bellies. I loved watching the men catch the women’s eyes from across the room just to wink, or smile, or ask them if they needed anything. The point of all of this is to say that I’ve never felt so contented in my life. On top of all of the what could have been negative things about this day, I spent the end of it with my family. With people who exemplify love every minute of their lives. With people who know what it means to be there no matter what. My standards for life were just raised.
You’d know that I always felt like a princess because you were the best dad in the world.
time started: 10:26 pm
name: Sarah
nickname(s): LaSarah, daddy calls me sweety
birthday: June 24, 1986
where were you born: Greenville, SC
do you still live there: yeah
zodiac sign: cancer
height: 5’7”
hair color: blondish brown
do you like it: yeah…i wish it wasn’t quite so in the middle, but i do like it esp in the summer and it has really cool natural highlights
what does it look like: blondish brown, natural highlights, medium to long, some layers, parted to the side
eye color: green
do you like it: yeah, when i wear green
contacts or glasses: glasses sometimes
shoe size: 9
grade: college senior again
GPA: nursing GPA 3.76, cumulative 3.2
siblings: a brother
piercings: one in each ear
favorite
color: YELLOW, green, charcoal gray, black,
scent: :) Abercrombie’s Fierce, fresh washed clothes
show: Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, The Office, sometimes SNL
candy: anything chocolate but i love hugs
gum: eh…i don’t really like it unless it’s minty and i don’t really chew it much
drink: pepsi or sweet tea
food: omg i don’t know…chocolate, or ice cream, or brownies. :)
pizza topping: italian sausage and pepperoni
book: Blue Like Jazz, Captivating
fruit: apples
vegetable: grooosss
time of day: sunrise
month: April
day of the week: Saturday is usually a good one, Thursdays aren’t half bad either.
season: spring/early fall
magazine: eh…idk
font: no clue
shampoo: John Frieda
name: Ethan
number: 32
phrase: i love you. no matter who it’s from.
store: Banana republic, publix
accessory: scarves and mittens
channel: no idea
weekend activity: hang out/game nights, watching football games with friends and cooking out
house color: i love love love the country green houses with rock on them!!
animal: 4 dogs 4 cats
board game: omg either cranium or wise or otherwise
story from childhood: the first time i saw a black family out in public i was about 2 and my parents favorite show was the cosby, when i saw the family at quincys while eating with my ENTIRE family, i screamed out for the whole restaurant to hear: look daddy!! it’s the cosby family!!!
have you ever
been on a plane: yeah- san fran and montana
been on a train: not for a trip…just for like train ride things
been on a bus: yes
been in a taxi: nope
been in a car accident: yes, several of them
burned something: hahaha all the time
went out of the country: nope
broken the law: yeah…i speed on a regular basis
lost something valuable: yeah…lots of things. currently i can’t find my pearl necklace that i got for my 21st birthday and my ipod
met a celebrity: yeah- chipper jones when he was a rookie but sitll slightly famous
cried in public: no. i don’t cry in public. in private on a regular basis
had a cavity: yeah
shopped at abercrombie and fitch: i haven’t
prank called anyone: haha once at a slumber party
faked sick: yeah.
fallen from a tree: nope
climbed a tree: yyeah. still want to on a regular basis, just no good ones around
slept outside: no. that’s one of my goals for the spring
broken a bone: nope
choked: nope
passed out: nope, never even been close
been to disney world: no. ugh!!! my life!!
made a model volcano: hahaha i wish
the last
phone call: daddy
thing bought:dinner
thing said: omg that’s hilarious
time you cried: today
thing you ate: chick fil a
shoes you wore: simple shoes :) my faves.
future
occupation: nurse/doc
place to live: wherever my family is
kids: YES. boys. boys boys.
car: one that works
what are you doing tomorrow: class til 11, home to gather my clothes, Jamal’s to wash clothes (all 400 loads of them), work at 1, staying at janes, work the rest of the weekend whie still washing more clothes.
friends
best friend: Dawn, Amanda, Bonnie, Katie, Melissa , Ashley P, Candice, Justin, Reuben, Jamal
loudest: Ashley Kickasola
silliest: Jamal
craziest: Dawn
calmest: Katie
nicest: Jamal
meanest: Reuben/Justin tie
the one you have but don’t want: hahaha!! There are a couple of those.
smartest: Reuben and Justin tie again…
most hyper: Ashley K
weirdest: Dawn—in the greatest way!!
pick one
pepsi-coke: pepsi
sprite-7-up: sprite
gold-silver: silver
vanilla-chocolate: chocolate
flowers-candy: candy
book-magazine: book
tv-radio: depends—tv prob
half empty-half full: half full
crayons-markers: crayons
sun-moon: stars
hot-cold: cold- i sweat way too much!
dog-cat: big dog
jeans-shorts: jeans fo sho
waffles-pancakes: pancakes
florida-cali: cali
first thing that comes to mind when you hear…
yellow: favorite
lipstick: never in my life have i worn lipstick
school: makes me suicidal some days
slippers: warm and fuzzy
lawn mower: kills people
iceland: white
greenland: where is that?!
harry potter: wizards
rooster: loud and early
bill clinton: monica
whipped cream: not my fave
mattress: sleep
lollypop: is a tasty treat to suck on
love: love God, love People
panties: floor
are you
annoying: i hope not, but some days i leave somewhere or someone feeling like i got on my own nerves so i know i got on theirs!
loud: unfortunately i am, and my biggest pet peeve is when people tell me that in public when i clearly already know that i’m loud…SORRY i can’t control it that my voice carries.
quiet: yes, actually
random: i think i make sense. if other people don’t then that sucks for them, because some pretty awesome stuff goes on in this noggin
perky: wish i were less
happy: always. genuinely. even on the worse days of my life, i find myself naturally laughing and smiling.
sad: these days it’s a regular occurance
crazy: eh depends, not really
smart: yeah—whether i use it to my advantage or not is another story
calm: depends on the situation. not usually
what time is it!: 11:44
I’d tell you that you are the most beautiful spirit I’ve ever known.
